---NEWS RELEASE, June 6, 2004, Wilder, VT, USA.
Reports have been received that the Riverfest "Contra Dance on the Connecticut" barge was attacked yesterday in full view of shore by a crew of young ruffians in dingys and canoes. This crew was loud, colorful, crude, and on their masts they flew black pirate colors. Contra dancers were forced off the barge; the pirates took over and performed some sort of ancient battle dance, smashing sticks in the air to the music of pipe and drum. They yelled and sang vulgar threats about death to contra dancers, and the superiority of something called Morris Dancing. At least two of the contra dancers were taken off in a pirate boat; rumors are that they will be forced to learn these uncouth stick dances. An undisclosed amount of treasure (contra dancer's shoes, we hear) was also taken in the raid.
When one bare-chested member of the pirate crew admitted to having performed contra dancing himself in the past, he was forced to walk the plank.
As they left with the barge, the ruffians were heard to sing:
What do you do with a Contra Dancer, what do you do with a Contra Dancer, what do you do with a Contra Dancer, early in the morning? Balance twice and swing him over... What do you do with a Contra Dancer... Down the center and walk the plank... What do you do with a Contra Dancer... Chain the ladies and toss 'em to the bottom... What do you do with the Contra Band... Set their dial to "Easy Listening"... What do you do with the Contraband... Stow it away and take it with you...
I wish I was the captain aboard the contra barge AARGH! Sam's gone away aboard the contra barge...